My search for love began early
I didn’t have a very loving family growing up so I began drinking and looking for love in relationships at an early age. My first pregnancy was at age 16. It never occurred to me to keep the baby as I didn’t even believe it was a baby. I was just "pregnant." I also had been warned by my father not to come home pregnant or I would be disowned.

To this day, I can remember very little of that first abortion experience. I guess I buried it in my subconscious–until the next year when I found myself pregnant again by the same young man. I guess I was late in having the second abortion because my breasts had swelled and leaked milk on my prom dress. The stains never came out and the dress was ruined.

College and beyond: my third and fourth abortions
That fall I left my boyfriend and went to college in Boston. I began my second sexual relationship the following summer. We married, and a month after our wedding I was pregnant again. We both felt scared and unprepared, so we sought counseling at Planned Parenthood. I thought this was an agency to help us work out having a child–not one that would tell us to terminate the pregnancy.

But Planned Parenthood affirmed our fears. The counselor painted a picture of our lives being turned upside down and inside out with a child and encouraged abortion. Being just newly married and having such high hopes for our future, we decided they were probably right. So I had my third abortion. Later I found my husband could not hold a job due to drug and alcohol abuse and we got into serious financial problems. The marriage lasted only three years.

After the divorce, I spent the next year or so in reflection on where my life was going and where I had been. It wasn’t a pretty picture. I decided to change jobs and move. Shortly after starting a job at a major airline, I was pursued by a wonderfully handsome and engaging older man where I worked. In our first encounter he admitted he was married–unhappily, of course. I fell for his charms and became pregnant for the fourth time. I never even asked him what he wanted me to do. I just informed him I would have an abortion. The affair lasted only a few months.

The effects of my search for love
During these ten years of searching for love and having four abortions I was terribly depressed. I struggled with an eating disorder, drinking, excessive spending, smoking, co-dependent relationships, and trouble with jobs. I made my first visit for psychological counseling at age 18 and I have been in counseling almost continuously since then. At times I had glimpses of happiness, but for the most part I was a very unhappy person. I used any kind of substance to get relief from my feelings. My life turned to one of food addiction and isolation. I often locked myself up at home for weeks at a time. It never occurred to me that my abortions could be the catalyst for my depression and addictions.

Seven years after my last relationship which ended in an abortion I was blessed enough to meet a man who would become my second husband. I had slimmed myself down and felt I was finally ready for another relationship. Three years later we were married and I thought finally my life was working out the way I had always hoped. Three years into that marriage I realized I wasn’t okay.

Stability didn't bring peace
While I had always prayed to God, I didn’t know about a relationship with him through Jesus. I began a search for an answer to my pain and suffering and eventually found Jesus in a little church. What joy I felt! I had never known such peace in my life. Nevertheless, despite all I was learning and the new-found love I had for Jesus, and in spite of a happy marriage, the depression continued.

Then God sent a Presbyterian woman to my place of work for a seminar on the emotional and psychological effects of abortion. I was terrified to attend the seminar because I knew that everyone who attended would know I had an abortion. But I think the Holy Spirit persuaded me to go.

I finally found forgiveness and healing for this sin
It was in that seminar that I learned about the effects of abortion and the help available to recover from the pain of abortion. I didn’t even know that my pain was related to my abortions because I had buried that so deep. But every symptom the woman listed that was related to abortion fit me to a tee. I was desperate enough at that point to try anything, so I signed up to join a group.

It was very scary and for weeks I would not allow myself to feel my own pain, preferring to focus on the pain of other women in my group. Finally God helped me to see all that I had been resisting and my tears flowed. I learned in the group that I had not just ended four pregnancies as I had told myself; I had aborted four of my own children. I was devastated by my own admission, but each week as I went through the Bible study I began to face my anger and grief. It was very painful, but somehow God got me through it and I began to see hope.

Through that Bible study I learned about the forgiveness God has given me for the abortions and how he expected me to forgive those I was angry with. I learned God had a plan for me and that he didn’t want me to dwell in the past. I made peace with God and peace with my babies. It was wonderful to learn I would see my babies in heaven some day and that they are with Jesus. It was in this knowledge that I began to live a more peaceful and fruitful life for my Lord.

I'm now part of this ministry to women
Since that period of my own experience I have helped to lead Bible studies for other women who have had abortions. Through these studies the Lord has revealed more and more to me and continued to give me healing of the effects of my childhood and early adulthood. I am so grateful for this ministry of post abortion counseling. I am grateful to God for raising up these ministries of Bible study and counseling for women like me who have been so affected by their choice of abortion.